Stuffed up and nowhere to go

It's been 6 days now that I've had a cold. I sneezed through Thanksgiving and it only seems to be getting worse.

I've been drinking lots of hot water with honey and lemon juice, apples, oranges, almonds. Last night I made a turkey soup out of leftover turkey, so I'll be drinking that for a few days now. I've tried walking in fresh (cold) air, I've tried staying in, nothing seems to be helping. I feel pretty miserable. I saw this list of 10 foods to eat when one has a cold on cnn. I've been eating a lot of them - probiotic yogurt, almonds, chicken(turkey) soup, red pepper (though very small amounts), green tea (again in small amounts because of the caffeine. What else has worked for people?

I was reading about listeria today and the symptoms of listeriosis. They say symptoms are flu-like. I keep thinking about the brie and cheesecake that I ate on Thanksgiving. It was downright careless of me to eat that brie. I just completely forgot about the soft-cheese ban and so did my husband. We are so used to eating that kind of thing (and so unused to being pregnant) that I happily gobbled it up as a matter of habit. I'm hoping that it was pasturized and that the cheesecake was baked and had no half cooked eggs in it. But every time my cold takes a turn for the worse I can't help thinking how horrific it would be if after everything we've been through, a bit of brie were to undo it all.

Week 11 - The dream is alive!

Had my first u/s at the OBGYN office today. The baby looked great - alive and kicking, literally. It seemed to have long legs and was thrashing them around quite a bit. I'm going to be relieved and happy for a day now until some new worry creeps in.

Doc said that they'll schedule my C-Section about 7-10 days before my due date since they don't want to subject my current surgery scars to any amount of labor (for fear of uterine rupture). So I won't even get to experience labor. Not complaining too much about that.

About the fatigue that assaults all pregnant women - doc mentioned that progesterone was a fatiguing hormone. Luckily, progesterone is produced in big quantities only upto around 20 wks. After that, we are supposed to feel fine, with our usual levels of energy. I'm looking forward to that!

Ungrounded

Gray skies and rain all day. It's cold and an unshakeable gloom hangs around the trees outside. Haven't spoken to a soul all day, on account of working almost non-stop and husband being out of town. Except for the breaks to sleep and walk outside. That was very refreshing, even though my head ached a bit in the cold. No one was on the streets, except for a cold wind and Click and Clack on my podcast. I bottle away any cheer I can find.

Listening to Madeleine Peyroux singing 'Weary Blues'. The best rendition I've heard so far. So many plans I had for today, but somehow the energy has slipped away. They say that the baby has a go at nutrients first, which may explain the sapped feeling. I've been eating all through the day, but I'll admit that some of it was junk. It's hard to find stuff to eat with low grade nausea humming in the background.

The jazz on radio cheered me up a bit, but even that can get tiresome after 5 hrs of it. Feel strangely ungrounded - acutely aware of how a thin wooden door separates the warm interior from the howling wind outside, the fragility of spaces and lives. My mind tends to come just a bit unhinged when I'm alone. I read that 1 in every 4 pregnancies end in a miscarriage. That's not counting those who never make it to a positive pregnancy test. Lives that just disappear, fluttering hearts that beat for a few weeks and then go quiet. Each of them is probably a tiny piece of a giant jigsaw puzzle, one that is so big that we'll never be able to see the big picture.

Tomorrow, husband returns home. Maybe the sun will be out too!

Week 11 - Still not showing!

The other day, I looked big in the mirror and thought, ah finally I'm showing. A couple of days later I shrank again. So either I'd just eaten too much that day or I'm not pregnant anymore. Can't wait to get past first trimester so I'm not in a constant state of paranoia about losing the baby.

The Bella band continues to be my new best friend. I don't need it because I'm pregnant, I need it because I became fat after surgery.

The things that give me hope that I may still be pregnant are:
- the smell of roasted chicken in the deli yesterday grossed me out and I couldn't escape it fast enough
- I feel pukey at random times through the day, especially after drinking water in the morning
- I'm sleeping 11 hrs, but that could simply be laziness (it's happened even when I wasn't pregnant)
- having to pee often (though again, I did that before too, but that was probably caused by the uterine fibroids)

Nov 20 (Fri) - Feeling underachieved

It's one of those days when this feeling hits with such intensity that I'm paralyzed. I'm 34 yrs old and feel like I've achieved nothing in life. I'm halfway through life (if I'm lucky) and have done nothing memorable - no big career success, created nothing, made no impact on any walk of life.

Ok, so I'm finally carrying a human life, and that's something, but it's the quality of that life I raise that matters and just starting to do that in the second leg of my life, burdened with endo and fibroids and adhesions and what not, I'm starting late in a game that everyone else is finishing up.

All this is making me very weepy and upset. I'm blaming the pregnancy hormones for that.

Nov 15 (Sun) - Last PIO shot!

I hit the 10 wk mark today. Which means no more progesterone shots!

Starting from Aug 27, I've taken 28 stimulation injections, 10 suppressant injections, 1 HcG trigger shot and 57 progesterone injections. 96 injections over 2.5 months!

After my husband gave the last PIO shot, we went into the garage with the syringes with needles and threw darts at an old carboard box. It was fun to hurl those needles with a vengeance :)

No more planning our social life around those hateful shots, having to give myself shots in hotel rooms while a conference raged downstairs, and most importantly, no more horrific ice packs on butt every night. Whoo-hoo!

Nov 14 (Sat) - End of a tiring week

The 9 wk ultrasound went well last Tues. Saw fetal movement and the heart fluttering for the first time. Was reassured by these positive signs. The euphoria lasted about a day.

The rest of the week, my entire body was sore and aching from the PIO shots. The bowels remain uncooperative. Was so tired some days, it was hard to imagine ever getting up from the couch.

On a different topic, I'm going to try using visualization techniques to swallow my huge pre-natal vitamin everyday. Every morning, I take a gulp of water, pop the vitamin, wait until my throat feels ready, attempt to swallow, gag immediately and swallow again. Along with the vitamin going down (or staying stuck in my throat), water gets into the air pipe and I spend several secs doubled over, coughing violently.
Today, in the waiting pre-swallow phase, I imagined the throat muscles relaxing and the monstrous vitamin going down in one smooth gulp. It worked, no gagging.